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LE THEATRE DE BREITOU
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SKETCHS... HUMOUR...DÉLIRES... HISTOIRES DROLES...
L'ANGOISSE.
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breitou
Sujet: L'ANGOISSE.
Jeu 1 Avr - 23:34
</embed></object><br /><br /></div><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Paris le 1/04/2010.<br /><br />Sketch.<br /><br /><div align="center"><font color="blue">L’angoisse.<br /></font></div><font color="blue"><strong><br />La nuit est mère d’angoisse et le matin père d’anxiété.<br />Par déduction, je suis donc angoissé la nuit et presque ANXIEUX le matin avec un soupçon de sérénité.<br />J’ai pensé consulter un anxiogène, médecin de l’anxiété mais je n’ai pas trouvé un désangoisseur.<br /><br />Pourtant, si cela existait, il aurait fait fortune parmi les juifs parce que les juifs sont des éternels angoissés et paranoïaques. Je vous rappelle cela parce que dans la torah il est dit ‘…Lamouna bél goyims hata fél gbar bââd arbayim chénét ou … !’ (Méfiez vous des étrangers même 40 ans après leur mort…. !’) Soit donc presque une génération et même disparus. Parce les étrangers voyez vous sont hostiles aux juifs. <br /><br />L’histoire nous permet de le croire et de s’en convaincre encore plus aujourd’hui qu’hier. Pourtant beaucoup de goys ont sauvé des juifs durant des périodes difficiles mais ils sont très peu, bien que beaucoup, par rapport à ceux qui ont voulu notre extinction hier encore aujourd’hui et dans le futur. <br />Mais là, je m’égare revenons à mes angoisses diurnes. Celles là m’arrivent vers les minuits.<br /><br />Au moment où je vais dormir, je vois défiler des idées noires dans mon subconscient.<br /><br />Le subconscient c’est après le conscient. Mon conscient ce con là, va bien, il ne souffre de rien mais c’est mon subconscient qui me fait ch…. ! Bref, j’ai demandé à ma femme un soir....<br /><br />‘…Chérie, je n’arrive pas à dormir… ! J’ai des mouches noires…!’<br />‘…Change les par des éléphants roses… !Et compte les… !’<br />‘…Bonne idée… !’<br /><br />Je ferme donc les yeux et je me mets à compter des éléphants roses, j’en perds qqq uns dans la brousse au vu de leurs poids, je me suis arrêté à cinq tout essoufflé… ! Et puis plus rien… !’<br /><br />Surement que les pygmées les ont tous abattus.<br /> <br />‘…Chérie, c’est fait pour les pachydermes roses… !’<br />‘…Compte les moutons… !’ A minuit 30.<br />‘…Ok… ! Un deux trois quatre cinq…. !’ Jusqu’à 20 mais là je n’ai pas pu continuer, le berger les a fait tous rentrer dans la grange… !’<br />‘…Chérie, les moutons…!’ Une heure du mat.<br />‘…Rappelle toi les étoiles, compte les lentement et surtout sans bruit...!’<br /><br />La voie lactée s’offre à moi alors qu’il fait nuit noire et que le ciel depuis ce matin est d’une tristesse comme pas possible. <br /><br />J’ouvre la fenêtre et je commence par les étoiles de La grande Ourse, ensuite sa fille puis la constellation d’Archimède et voilà que, alors que je comptabilisais les étoiles, je vois une étoile filante venir foutre la merde, et là, je perds le fil. <br /><br />‘…Chérie… !’ 1 heure 30 du matin.<br />‘…Ferme la fenêtre, j’ai froid… ! Est-ce que je peux dormir maintenant… ?’<br />‘…Juste un souci, tout s’est envolé… !’<br />‘…Bon, c’est mon dernier conseil… ! Rappelle toi un puzzle et compte les pièces…!’<br />‘…Un puzzle de combien… ?’<br />‘….15 000 pièces et je pense que tu vas retrouver le sommeil… !’<br />‘…Merci, en plus j’aime les puzzles, je vais choisir un paysage hollandais… !’<br /><br />Je remonte dans mon lit et j’ouvre la couverture et je mime le placement des pièces.<br />Olalala, là, je sens que le sommeil vient, surtout que miro comme je suis, je mets beaucoup d’application à ce que ces morceaux de cartons aux formes bizarres s’imbriquent entre eux pour former un début de forme.<br />Un pré. Je devinais à mesure que j’avançais que j’avais affaire à un paysage, une campagne.<br /><br />Et moi, en pluUUUUUUUs j’aiIIIIIme l’air de la campagne, alors que j’ai vécu toute ma putain de vie au bord de la mer, sentir les fleurs, entendre le gazouillis des oiseaux, bruisser l’eau de la rivière, admirer les saules. <br /><br />Là, un pont est venu se former sous mes gros doigts poilus mais habiles dans le noir, quel kif, ca m’a rappelé les ponts de la Goulette. Puis une gaule, un pêcheur sur sa barque, oallaala encore la Goulette, j’avais l’impression de voir Tchitcho le jeune bègue qui, pour dire trois mots, il fallait attendre six heures et pour terminer une phrase, un mois. Un vrai kif. <br /><br />Enfin, je vois des formes de paysannes en string au loin, là je me dis que surement cela doit être un tableau de Turki (peintre tunisien) puis me ravisant, je me suis rappelé que Turki n’est pas flamand zut alors, une illumination est apparue dans mon subconscient, c’est une peinture du 16 iéme siècle, je suis en présence d’un tableau d’un grand peintre et dans le vague noir de mon âme , j’avançais le nom de ROTICCELLI… ! Ca fait un peu italien, ca alors, là encore, je me bourre ‘…Quel ROTICCELI dis-je à voix haute… ! Là, ma femme me dit dans un trois quart de sommeil bienfaiteur ‘…Dans le frigo… !’ Elle avait compris RÔTI dans son subconscient et moi comme un con, je me lève pour voir le rôti en question, y’avait bien un saucisson Kacher du nom de CHELLY mais sans RÔTI… ! Je n’ai pas voulu à cette heure tardive contredire ma femme, il était 3 heures du mat, donc je fais semblant de rien sinon querelle, et moi la vérité j’aime ma femme sans querelles. <br /><br />Sur la pointe des pieds, je retourne dans mon lit en prenant bien soin, de ne pas agiter le matelas. Je me remets à l’ouvrage, celui de mon subconscient et enfin, le tableau prend forme mais étant un spécialiste des constructions des puzzles à mon jeune âge, dix jours pour placer 10 morceaux, alors que ma petite Sharon met deux minutes, je m’aperçois qu’une pièce vient à manquer. <br /><br />J’ai donc assemblé 1499 pièces. Et tous les puzzlistes vous le diront, il n’y a pas plus emmerdant et cynique qu’une pièce manquante. On n’en dort pas la nuit. DEEEES NUITS.<br /><br />Je prend mon mal en patience et doucement, je me relève pour chercher ce morceau, un petit carré, cette forme biscornue qui ressemble à la pointe du COTENTIN, une extrémité d’un coq debout sur son clocher. Je cherche sous le lit, dans la cuisine, je reçois un coup sur le front en passant, ‘…Merci la porte du frigo … !’ je vais dans le salon.<br /><br />Las de chercher, je pousse délicatement ma femme, alors qu’elle ronfle mais elle ne me croit pas bien que, bobine à l’appuie, je l’ai enregistré un soir, elle me dit, que c’est moi, et comme moi je n’aime pas les histoires je lui ai dis ‘…Oui c’est moi qui me suis fait enregistré pendant que tu dormais… ! El RAB MTA EL BATEL… !’ Le D IEU de l’injustice… !’ Je n’ai rien dis mais sans m’avouer vaincu, je glisse la main sous le dos de ma femme, peut être me suis-je dis dans mon inconscient SUBCONSCIENT qu’il a dû se cacher là bas. Rien. Là j’ai pensé pousser le bouchon un peu plus loin mais au dernier moment, Ma petite voix ‘ subconscientilelle’ m'avertie, que si je m’aventurai plus loin, alors là, je ne répondrai plus de lui. <br /><br />J’ai donc écouté mon subconscient vers les 5 heures du mat, m’évitant une catastrophe annoncée. Chercher là bas un bout de COQ DEBOUT AU SOMMET D’UN ÉGLISE, même le saint père n’oserait pas y aller là où je pensais qu’il fut, tout pape qu’il est, s’aventurer dans un domaine qui lui est strictement interdit est une offense envers sa fonction et envers D.IEU. Mais il me fallait ce bout. <br /><br />A Vivre dans la défaite on crève sans gloire. A CHERCHER SANS TROUVER C’EST MOURIR DANS INCAPACITÉ. D’ailleurs me diriez vous, comme le disait ma grand-mère Meiha <br /><br />‘…TAHT EL DEBENE OU MOUCH FEL JEBENE… !’<br />Vivre sous les ailes d’une mouche c’est toujours mieux que de vivre sous terre… ! <br /><br />Et là, les mouches sont revenues. Retour à la case départ. 6 heures sonnent et pas l’ombre d’une crête de coq.<br /><br />Que faire zut, moi qui suis un méthodique, né dans l’incohérence, dans l’incompétence, dans l’illogisme, dans le désordre, le grand cafouilleur enveloppé dans le brouillard de ma caisse déficitaire… ? La question ne trouve pas de réponse et non plus mon bout de coq rouillé debout sur son piédestal. <br /><br />‘…PEDEEEEEE DE COQ…. ! Lançais-je à l’aube naissant. Là, ma femme se retourne et dans un élan de solidarité approuve. Se rappelant sans doute, qu’à l’époque, où j’élevais des poules goulettoises, le connard de coq était MOKSSI.. ! Elle pensait dans son subconscient que je parlais de lui mais là encore, je n’osais lui dire, que si ce coq là était impuissant, c’était un peu de ma faute car j’avais visé ses couilles à cette époque avec ma carabine comme un véritable SNIPER et donc je l’ai émasculé. <br /><br />Il y a des choses intimes que je me garde bien de dévoiler sinon, je finis comme le coq pédè. <br />D’ailleurs au vu de son infirmité, alors que je le destinais au repas de Kippour, le rabbin à l’époque RABI HOUITE ( poisson ) eut cette magnifique envolé ‘…El SERDOUK E’DE TOUYIIIIIBAAAAAAA… !’ Traduit en bon verlan ‘…UNE MALÉDICTION… !’ Olalala, manger à Kippour un coq MALÉDICTION, il faut vraiment être TAREF (impur) pour le faire. Donc, je l’ai offert comme KAPPARA( sacrifice) à des voisins musulmans qui ne sont pas très regardant dans le SEXE. Avec ou sans COUILLES, ils bouffent tant que c’est gratuit. Pas nous, ce qui n’empêche que j’ai payé la NAKIA (la recherche de sa virilité). <br /><br />Yati nakia ââla moukhou amin…( Qu’un contrôle lui tombe sur la tête) au rabbin. Si je lui avais donné plus d’argent, pour sur que le COQ aurait retrouvé tous ses DEUX ATTRIBUTS. Même 3. Si ce n’est plus. J’étais capable de le faire, et même de lui rajouter plus s’il m’avait donné l’assurance qu’il lui en trouverai SIX de paires de OUILLES…. ! Mais hélas, des poules sans dents ca existe mais un COQ MUNI DE SIX PAIRES….LA CE SERAIT MIRACULEUX. <br /><br />Bref, enfin, après d’ultimes recherches comme je ne vous dis pas, le morceau s’est retrouvé collé sur mes fesses ridées. Je fus soulagé. Et, au moment où enfin, je retrouvais le sommeil, la sonnerie du réveil me rappelle à l’ordre. 8 heures du mat. L’heure du boulot.<br />Je ne me lève pas puisque j’étais déjà debout. Ma femme se lève et rentre dans la cuisine.<br /><br />Un cri inhumain sort de la cuisine. Je cours et là je la trouve inondée.<br /><br />J’avais oublié de fermer la porte du frigo dans mon demi-sommeil.<br /><br />Toute la bouffe ramollie, et même qu’elle commençait à être faisandée alors que je ne mange pas de faisan. Mes pieds baignaient dans l’antarctique. De la sauce froide relevée au cumin, stagnait d’entre les morceaux de viande, de merguez etc… <br /><br />LA BEREZINA…AMIS LOINTAINS….WATERLOO SANS NAPOLÉON CHERS CONFRÈRES ET CONSŒURS… ! POUR QUI SONNE LE GLAS… ! Quant au loin, un COCORICO réveilla enfin mon subconscient de sa torpeur.<br /><br />Je fus quitte à éponger tout le carrelage et enfin comme pour me faire pardonner, je promis à ma femme que plus jamais je ne compterais des morceaux de puzzles surtout s’il se trouve un COQ PEDE ENTRE EUX.</strong></font></div><div class="clear"></div></div><span class="gensmall"></span></td></tr><tr><td colspan="2"><div class="fa_like_div"><p class="fa_like_list" style="display: none;"></p><button class="rep-button " data-href="" data-href-rm=""><svg width="15px" height="15px" viewBox="0 0 1792 1792" xmlns="http://www.w3.org/2000/svg"><path d="M320 1344q0-26-19-45t-45-19q-27 0-45.5 19t-18.5 45q0 27 18.5 45.5t45.5 18.5q26 0 45-18.5t19-45.5zm160-512v640q0 26-19 45t-45 19h-288q-26 0-45-19t-19-45v-640q0-26 19-45t45-19h288q26 0 45 19t19 45zm1184 0q0 86-55 149 15 44 15 76 3 76-43 137 17 56 0 117-15 57-54 94 9 112-49 181-64 76-197 78h-129q-66 0-144-15.5t-121.5-29-120.5-39.5q-123-43-158-44-26-1-45-19.5t-19-44.5v-641q0-25 18-43.5t43-20.5q24-2 76-59t101-121q68-87 101-120 18-18 31-48t17.5-48.5 13.5-60.5q7-39 12.5-61t19.5-52 34-50q19-19 45-19 46 0 82.5 10.5t60 26 40 40.5 24 45 12 50 5 45 .5 39q0 38-9.5 76t-19 60-27.5 56q-3 6-10 18t-11 22-8 24h277q78 0 135 57t57 135z" fill="#666"/></svg><span>J'aime</span><span class="rep-nb" style="display:none;"></span></button><button class="rep-button " data-href="" data-href-rm=""><svg width="15px" height="15px" viewBox="0 0 1792 1792" xmlns="http://www.w3.org/2000/svg"><path d="M320 576q0 26-19 45t-45 19q-27 0-45.5-19t-18.5-45q0-27 18.5-45.5t45.5-18.5q26 0 45 18.5t19 45.5zm160 512v-640q0-26-19-45t-45-19h-288q-26 0-45 19t-19 45v640q0 26 19 45t45 19h288q26 0 45-19t19-45zm1129-149q55 61 55 149-1 78-57.5 135t-134.5 57h-277q4 14 8 24t11 22 10 18q18 37 27 57t19 58.5 10 76.5q0 24-.5 39t-5 45-12 50-24 45-40 40.5-60 26-82.5 10.5q-26 0-45-19-20-20-34-50t-19.5-52-12.5-61q-9-42-13.5-60.5t-17.5-48.5-31-48q-33-33-101-120-49-64-101-121t-76-59q-25-2-43-20.5t-18-43.5v-641q0-26 19-44.5t45-19.5q35-1 158-44 77-26 120.5-39.5t121.5-29 144-15.5h129q133 2 197 78 58 69 49 181 39 37 54 94 17 61 0 117 46 61 43 137 0 32-15 76z" fill="#666"/></svg><span>Je n'aime pas</span><span class="rep-nb" style="display:none;"></span></button></div></td></tr></table></td></tr><tr class="post--4377" style=""><td class="row1 browse-arrows" align="center" valign="middle" width="150"><a href="#top"><img class="sprite-arrow_subsilver_up" src="https://2img.net/i/empty.gif" alt="Revenir en haut" loading="lazy" /></a> <a href="#bottom"><img class="sprite-arrow_subsilver_down" src="https://2img.net/i/empty.gif" alt="Aller en bas" loading="lazy" /></a></td><td class="row1 messaging gensmall" width="100%" height="28"><table border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0"><tr><td valign="middle"> </td></tr></table></td></tr><tr class="post post--4381" id="p4381" style=""><td class="row2" valign="top" width="150"><span class="name"><a name="4381" style="position: relative; top: -30px; width: 1px;" id="4381"></a><strong>Mamili</strong></span><br /><span class="postdetails poster-profile"><br /><img loading="lazy" src="https://2img.net/u/4011/17/55/79/avatars/18-83.jpg" alt="Mamili" style="max-width: 200px; max-height: 600px" /><br /><br /><div class="dd_award right"></div><div class="award_more"></div><br></span><br /><img src="https://2img.net/i/empty.gif" alt="L'ANGOISSE. Empty" style="width:150px;height:1px" /></td><td class="row2" valign="top" width="100%" height="100%"><table width="100%" height="100%" border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0"><tr><td><span class="postdetails"><img class="sprite-icon_minipost" src="https://2img.net/i/empty.gif" alt="Message" title="Message" border="0" />Sujet: Re: L'ANGOISSE. <img class="sprite-icon_miniposted" src="https://2img.net/i/empty.gif" alt="L'ANGOISSE. Empty" border="0" />Ven 2 Avr - 10:25</span></td><td valign="top" nowrap="nowrap" class="post-options"> </td></tr><tr><td colspan="2" class="hr"><hr /></td></tr><tr height="100%" valign="top"><td colspan="2"><div class="postbody"><div><font color="indigo"><span style="font-size: 24px; line-height: normal">ouffffftu fais trop de dégâts!!!!!kesta besoin de compter les éléphants roses ? tu fumes quoi le soir???</font><br /><br /><font color="indigo"><img src="https://letheatredebreitou.1fr1.net/users/1411/17/55/79/smiles/636827.gif" border="0" alt="L'ANGOISSE. 636827"/> <img src="https://letheatredebreitou.1fr1.net/users/1411/17/55/79/smiles/636827.gif" border="0" alt="L'ANGOISSE. 636827"/> <img src="https://letheatredebreitou.1fr1.net/users/1411/17/55/79/smiles/636827.gif" border="0" alt="L'ANGOISSE. 636827"/> <img src="https://letheatredebreitou.1fr1.net/users/1411/17/55/79/smiles/636827.gif" border="0" alt="L'ANGOISSE. 636827"/> </font><br /><br /><font color="indigo">Puréeeeeeeeeeee la prochaine fois, prend un verre de lait !!!!!!!ou du mazar.</font><br /><font color="indigo"></span></font></div><div class="clear"></div></div><span class="gensmall"></span></td></tr><tr><td colspan="2"><div class="fa_like_div"><p class="fa_like_list" style="display: none;"></p><button class="rep-button " data-href="" data-href-rm=""><svg width="15px" height="15px" viewBox="0 0 1792 1792" xmlns="http://www.w3.org/2000/svg"><path d="M320 1344q0-26-19-45t-45-19q-27 0-45.5 19t-18.5 45q0 27 18.5 45.5t45.5 18.5q26 0 45-18.5t19-45.5zm160-512v640q0 26-19 45t-45 19h-288q-26 0-45-19t-19-45v-640q0-26 19-45t45-19h288q26 0 45 19t19 45zm1184 0q0 86-55 149 15 44 15 76 3 76-43 137 17 56 0 117-15 57-54 94 9 112-49 181-64 76-197 78h-129q-66 0-144-15.5t-121.5-29-120.5-39.5q-123-43-158-44-26-1-45-19.5t-19-44.5v-641q0-25 18-43.5t43-20.5q24-2 76-59t101-121q68-87 101-120 18-18 31-48t17.5-48.5 13.5-60.5q7-39 12.5-61t19.5-52 34-50q19-19 45-19 46 0 82.5 10.5t60 26 40 40.5 24 45 12 50 5 45 .5 39q0 38-9.5 76t-19 60-27.5 56q-3 6-10 18t-11 22-8 24h277q78 0 135 57t57 135z" fill="#666"/></svg><span>J'aime</span><span class="rep-nb" style="display:none;"></span></button><button class="rep-button " data-href="" data-href-rm=""><svg width="15px" height="15px" viewBox="0 0 1792 1792" xmlns="http://www.w3.org/2000/svg"><path d="M320 576q0 26-19 45t-45 19q-27 0-45.5-19t-18.5-45q0-27 18.5-45.5t45.5-18.5q26 0 45 18.5t19 45.5zm160 512v-640q0-26-19-45t-45-19h-288q-26 0-45 19t-19 45v640q0 26 19 45t45 19h288q26 0 45-19t19-45zm1129-149q55 61 55 149-1 78-57.5 135t-134.5 57h-277q4 14 8 24t11 22 10 18q18 37 27 57t19 58.5 10 76.5q0 24-.5 39t-5 45-12 50-24 45-40 40.5-60 26-82.5 10.5q-26 0-45-19-20-20-34-50t-19.5-52-12.5-61q-9-42-13.5-60.5t-17.5-48.5-31-48q-33-33-101-120-49-64-101-121t-76-59q-25-2-43-20.5t-18-43.5v-641q0-26 19-44.5t45-19.5q35-1 158-44 77-26 120.5-39.5t121.5-29 144-15.5h129q133 2 197 78 58 69 49 181 39 37 54 94 17 61 0 117 46 61 43 137 0 32-15 76z" fill="#666"/></svg><span>Je n'aime pas</span><span class="rep-nb" style="display:none;"></span></button></div></td></tr></table></td></tr><tr class="post--4381" style=""><td class="row2 browse-arrows" align="center" valign="middle" width="150"><a href="#top"><img class="sprite-arrow_subsilver_up" src="https://2img.net/i/empty.gif" alt="Revenir en haut" loading="lazy" /></a> <a href="#bottom"><img class="sprite-arrow_subsilver_down" src="https://2img.net/i/empty.gif" alt="Aller en bas" loading="lazy" /></a></td><td class="row2 messaging gensmall" width="100%" height="28"><table border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0"><tr><td valign="middle"> </td></tr></table></td></tr><tr align="right"><td class="catBottom" colspan="2" height="28"><table width="100%" border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0"><tr><td width="9%" class="noprint"> </td><td align="center" class="t-title"><a name="bottomtitle"></a><div class="cattitle">L'ANGOISSE.</div></td><td align="right" nowrap="nowrap" width="9%" class="browse-arrows"><a href="#top"><img class="sprite-arrow_subsilver_up" src="https://2img.net/i/empty.gif" alt="Revenir en haut" loading="lazy" /></a> </td></tr></table></td></tr></table><table class="forumline noprint" width="100%" border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" style="margin: 0 0 1px 0; 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